Monday, November 8, 2010

*a journey of lights*

the weekend has come to an end indeed. as i took my last gulp of vodka last saturday night, i decided to put an end to my misery. it is indeed true when they say you feel what you want to feel. happiness is achievable when you wish to think of happy thoughts, and you flail in depression when you let a downpour of horrid moments fill your life with nonchalant tragedies and sappy stories.

life is what we make it of. as you all know, i have just gone through hell during my birthday. the pain of sorrow regards to losing a love you thought is bound for eternity, it is hard. the hardest i have ever felt indeed.

anyway, moving on is despair's greater cousin.

the sun is rising and i bid farewell to you B. thats the last drop of love that i'll ever give you. the pain is over and i can say i have officially started to forget you. this immortalizes you in my life yet only figments of lucid thoughts remain...

i scream patience and virtues of love and sanity. i am almost there, i will get there and you will no longer be part of this wonderful life i live...

i will be honest, i loved you whole heartedly, and the end is the end.

i wish somewhere along the lines of friendship i would see you...

today, i embark on a bigger journey. a journey to build a very special relationship i lost in loving you...

my relationship to myself...

anyway, goodnight biatches.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

*the uncountable facets of love*

*As brief as the sun rises and the sun sets, the feeling that lingers remain seen by our souls through eternity, like the love i give you, assurance of forever*

before everything else, i do have to inform you dear readers that my tiny game was in dire forfeit since someone who knows the answer told someone else about it who tried to join and told me online at my FB account. horrible horrible. play fair dear fucktards. anyway, the right answer would be = they are all my secrets. tada! i know i know, i am such a horrible person. but then again, i wouldnt know. so next time, i'll prolly get a dti permit for throwing contests or something. anywho, if you have further comments and suggestions, you can easily tell me. i dont bite. ;-)

moving on... present day crazy. i have to admit, maybe, just maybe. maybe this is love. or i dont know. i actually couldnt figure it out yet. though seriously, these are things ive never felt before. i dont know how to control or feel at times that its actually too much for me to process. paranoia is indeed an asshole and trust i thought was a good friend. situations that i have never imagined possible. 

i marvel at the word love. its something i know i have never experienced before.

Friday, September 24, 2010

*he screamed: damnettt! molest me!!!*

steam building up inside the bathroom.
my hair drenched in honey scented product...

my skin supple and soft.
my body reacting to the temperature...

i stepped out in my white jockey briefs.
my white hoodie open, exposing my body...

i sat down beside him, breathing heavily.
i reached for his face and asked softly...

"are you okay?"
quiet as he could be, grabbed me suddenly...

i move away abruptly and smile.
"hush hush, you cant have me yet"

he looked mad as a lunatic.
his red lips wet like damp cotton...

i played a tune and sat slowly.
"strip for me cowboy"

he was wearing jeans and a tight black racerback.
he was taking off his clothes too fast...

i ask nicely, "dance while stripping".
he did for my pleasure...

slowly pulling down his pants.
revealing his black calvin briefs...

hot as he could be,
he took his top off...

exposing his chiseled chest,
those rock hard abs...

he took the music in,
grinded his hips with the beat...

i loved every minute of it...

his sweat dripping slowly,
his face looking horribly impatient...

i remain in my seat,
unmoved and staring...

i knew he was hot,
i knew he was in heat...

i lie down the bed,
asked him to amuse me...

he took off his briefs as slowly as possible,
he touched himself in front of me...

his glorious manhood hard as metal,
he jerked it off as slow as he would grind...

he screamed... "damnettt!!! molest me!!!"
i smiled and turned away...

he screamed again...
"please, touch me already"

i took off my hoodie so he could see my back...
stood up slowly...

pulled my briefs down...

i bent over by the table...
exposing all of my behind...

turned my head around...
"baby, you can have me now"
"im your slut for the evening"

and he did for my pleasure...

everything a man could imagine possible.

toodles bitches...


Tuesday, September 21, 2010

*LOVE : i still dont get it*

amidst the daily drama of single blessedness, the gods are indeed lashing their lighting at my beauty. i have always been a fan of love. love stories, romance under the stars, intimacy at closed doors and everything that comes between and in between.

including the lucid adventures of drama and heaps of baggage from god knows emotionally where.

i come across a stand point where i cant figure if love or well, relationships actually work. is love considered salvation or an eternity of suffering to those who actually think they have it?

first off, defining love is harder than most people know. the damned coincidence that brains don't normally function where the heart is should already be a clue that defining emotions into categorized levels of word is not likely an appropriate way to do it. but seriously, how do we actually define love?

well, while most of us say whatever outrageous things they could about love like its an item you but from a store, i still basically think that its a imaginary figment of some lousy cartoon character to create a buzz out of its boredom. i basically think its surreal.

the initial thought would be wonderful, magical, and then further notions seep in. it's surreal. (mind you, even if i define it as something out of this world and seemingly unreal, i still believe its out there / neurotic ways of expounding these emotions equate to LOVE for me)

do relationships still work? does an actual faithful relationship still exist in this time and age? well, i just got home from a date with a really nice guy. he's taken. his boyfriend is out of the country. and while the boyfriend is away, im the temporary cumhole. does it work? i guess, it works for me. i dont have to go through the drama and hassle of reporting my daily routine to someone, i dont have to keep on thinking about a certain someone's day, if his ego is bruised at work or his manhood is slightly smaller cause some guy at the gym told him he's thin and all the crap that we get from a relationship. i have all the good things i want with a guy hence the dirty area. the sex is good, the conversations are great. so what else should i look for? so basically, it works for me.

now, the question is, does it work for him too? i mean, we go out, we fuck. what else does he get from it? just the sex and company? does it work for him the way it is for me? what about the emotional babbles from his boyfriend?

well, these are just random thoughts from a guy like me. a guy who has never been in an actual relationship. like seriously, the only relationships i have are the ones with hermes, balenciaga and ysl. other than those relationships, i doubt ive been in one. well, tell me what you think. i need enlightenment.

Much Love.

Monday, September 13, 2010

*thou shall not fuck thy neighbor's husbandry*

i had a dream.
a sweet succulent dream.
i dreamt of you.
your sweet delicious lips.
those eyes that tinker on the moonlight's glitter.
i devoured you.

i had a dream.
the night sings a lullaby.
a tune we'll never forget.
crazy running.
great expectations.
your scent that lingers.
i engulfed your manhood.

oh sweet mary mother of god jesus.
i had a dream.
and it involves eating you alive.


and another attempt indeed. tragically, i can't write sexual stuff in that weird poetic way. anywho, everyone was outside the office, me being the nosy little twat that i admittedly am, i could'nt help but feel obliged to stick my nose up everyone else's business. so indeed, i ran up the heights of towering tragedies and went out looking like a whore in my ultra short boxers and a tiny shirt for sleeping.

ohhhh la la laaaaaa. a boy walking his dog. that sweet boy-next-door-with-semi-raunchy-look was indeed hotter than ever. first encounter with him was pretty brief. he came up to me and asked if the civic which was parked outside his place was mine. i said no. and then the second time, i was up the veranda at around 3 in the morning and he walked around topless. mmmm. yummyness.

this time, he was just walking the dog. wearing basketball shorts and a lousy shirt though i am seriously imagining him naked, in versace briefs and hermes flip flops. a man to devour indeed. he was a bit sweaty and didnt look my way since i was with the whole office.

mmmmm, i scream L!!!! come out! you havta see this! and i pointed at him. im seriously fantasizing about naked him in my bed. tragic! but oh oh oh. i know he aint straight baby! those looks that scream "eat me" seriously comes out of him naturally.

anyway, another sad lonely day for me.

hugs and cock licking.

(btw, the pic posted above is definitely not the neighbor. thanks dear C for letting me use the sweet picture)

Sunday, September 5, 2010

*nicotine drenched silent conversation*

Comforting cold air washed my entity with emotions without reason. The season of jackets have begun.

I ran to the bathroom and let the steaming water engulf my quiet solitude. Humming to A.Len's version of "waiting in vain" and playing memories of his sweet kisses and floor sweeping whispers.

He is gone. I know that. I dried my hair and stared at myself in the mirror. My eyes easily give my feelings away.

Walking to the room thinking of what to wear. The lights flickered and snippets of him laughing at me was vaguely remembered. I let my guard down.

I dressed up slowly. Plain white tee, tattered skinny jeans, flip flops. Grabbed my bag and comfy black sweater. Mmmm. The scent that remains, sweet nothings of vodka and nicotine. It lingers for a while.

Hailed a cab and it drove slowly. Dropped off at the curb of a familiar street.

I walked. I walked slowly. The rain poured like heaven was crying. No other choice but to run. Running. Seemed like eternity. Shadows dawned left and right.

As I reached the coffee joint of drama and judgment. I stood by a huge post. Scrummaging through the depths of my bag. A stick of Marlboro and a fuzzy black lighter.

I tried to light my stick but the Gods were furious. I'm drenched in despair. I needed misery's company.

His hands were shaking. A tiny whimpering flame in front of me.

A man in his 30's. 6 feet tall, scruffy hair, deep brown eyes. Black cardigan, black scarf, dark jeans, black loafers. Gorgeous.

His face showed something familiar. Something I've seen before. In the lines of seasonal mourning.

We remained silent and kept on smoking. He smiled and left.

The rain stopped and I walked my own path.

That moment I understood him.

He was lonely...

*hopeful beginnings*

Okay, tragic as it could be. I got my heart broken. But who cares right? I knew how to attach myself to someone, I should also know how to detach myself from him. Angry as I could be, theres no other way but to keep on trying. A day at a time.

I've had my fair share of these heartaches but sadly, I never learn anything from them. I keep falling back to familiar patterns. I keep having the same doubts, insecurities, and trust issues. Its quite odd that I am actually the cause of my own heartaches. The things I do to drive people away, and the paranoia I inflict myself with that ruins everything. Either or, I really am fucked up.

I so want to scream my lungs out right now. Sooo much anger that I told myself to let go of, yet still being the normal crazy person that I am, I keep it to myself and release it slowly. Well, its always bottled up. Up to the brink. Maybe its really time to just let it all out.

I'm so angry that I dont know what happened in between whatever there was. You told me to stop my insecurity with regards to my physical appearance. You told me I looked good yet how come you made me feel uglier than ever? Seriously. You told me im nice and you'd want to keep seeing me. But, where are you now? Am I really just a toy that you'd play with and leave? I am angry. Cause you broke me. I'm like this crazy person who keeps rewinding everything until I figure out what went wrong.

I dont know. I'm clueless. If you told me that I'm just a fuck then it would've been easier for me but you didnt. You showed me hope and you made me feel good. Yes, its just one night but I believed you. I trusted you. I let my guard down that night. I tried. Well, maybe I dont know. It just hurts.

I told myself I should stop obsessing about what happened. I couldnt. This is how I feel. This is how you made me feel. I'm broken. You broke me.

At some point, maybe its a good thing. You made me realize a lot of things. I sold myself short. As always. I dumb myself down, I acted like a simple person with simple wants and simple things. I acted as if I'm the sweetest person there is. I'm not who I really am when I was with you. In fact, I'm nowhere near the person I really am when I was with you. Maybe its my fault or maybe you just didnt give me the chance to show you who I really am.

I may not be fine now. But I'll be better soon, and by that time, you'll never get to know who I really am. Maybe this is all anger, or maybe I dont know. But at this point, I know. I'm worth more than you could ever imagine.

Thank you... for hurting me. Because now, I can stop being the nice person I was pretending to be. Because now, I'm no longer afraid to show who I really am. Its liberation in pain.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

*when do you stop?*

--- pardon this post... its actually an overflow of thoughts i couldnt contain...

who is to blame when youve given too much? disappointment is a part of having expectations. there would be times when you hope for too much in someone that they end up delivering pain rather than happiness.

like what i always say, reason for reasons. notions that are unexplained leaving you with more questions. rather yet, notions you wish not to explain because acceptance is far from sight. how do we define "too much"?

a pile of emotions was fleeting the condo last night, a birthday dinner gone stale and love that was given, thrown out the window. tragic as love stories normally are, i gave my dear friends the usual talk i have with them.

love. wonderful. yet, never enough to keep a relationship going. meeting halfway, compromises, understanding and acceptance.

a conversation last night solidified my values when it comes to relationships. it is indeed factual for me. a relationship is quite easy, yet people normally complicate it.

i have witnessed relationships of gold and honesty end in non humorous gratifications for oneself.

i dont know. right now, the memory of that conversation will forever imprint a thought in my head.

if it doesnt work, dont push it. at the end of the day, if its not working, it never will.

Friday, August 13, 2010

*a glimmer of hope*

Never ending tall tales of magical moments and glorious gratifications. Love as an objective and being lonely as its antagonist. Lights glancing with the dances of the moment. Meaningless contradictions. I am alone.

*for those ive said which i never meant*

My mind veered away in space for a silent moment. A nuisance in denial for journeys and numerous destinations. I hunger in pain of the love that dwells in my mind. My being succumbs to lights that show wisdom. Tragic in anger and sanity within the walls of my surrealism.

I recon the days I scream my name. Those moments in which I am lost within myself. I keep trying to answer questions of my lonliness. The situations in my head that translates in numerous ways.

Friday, July 30, 2010

*in the middle of my own desolation*

A glance outside the frames of my entity. Heaven poured tears like tomorrow would never come. Questioning reason for my reasons seemed like an explanation, the coldness of the night engulfing my cradle of security.

Monday, July 26, 2010

*today's ranting = tomorrow's failure*

Tears glisten within the walls of reason. My mind speaks of morbid tragedies and painful endings yet, still hopeful. Questions of a better tomorrow cry within my burrow. Lost and immobilized. Emotions that I reckon, do I have so much of it to let go?

Sunday, July 18, 2010

*between the cities of night and day*

My world fell apart in such way I didn’t imagine. From ground up, core – out, waves splashed all over me leaving me drenched in questions which doesn’t seem to be answered. Hard, the only word I could muster at the moment. Life as it seems no longer exist in me. Living a question of vulnerabilities exude tragedy as much as my being resents itself.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

*misery and its company*

Life as a puzzle. Life as a book. Journeys, stories, pictures of answers to every question you could think of. Cohesive gatherings of thoughts and points. I try to understand my ever so complicated self. Self assesment, re-assurance and seeking security. Few of an undying list to ask myself. From the simplest of, to the extent of what. Indeed misery of itself seeks company of a different form.

I now realize the relevance of not being able to live your life alone on your own. Crazy as it could be, an experience that keeps flashing on my head. A moment in time when I was alone. Relatively and figuratively. Sadness was my misery and loneliness was its company.

*have you ever thought of yourself?*

Days that come and go have taught me reasons for my reasons. That part of yourself that tries to argue with the things you yourself think of. Indeed as hard as it could get. I was never a witness yet I am now a victim. Indeed what they say is true. The hardest battle you’ll have in life is the war you have with yourself.

Trying to find what I thought was missing. Searching for myself in others. Moments of figuring out the personas of my entity I have never met before. That never ending inquisition with myself in regards to who I really am and if this person is the person I want to be.

*a conversation with my mother*

Feeling low and depressed have certainly been a friend to me lately. A certain conversation I had with my mother saught on bringing the truth in wisdoms been told. The emotions I’ve held on to was at the brink of fullness that a simple “how are you” which came from her made my tears ‘a bucket pour like never ending rain. Inevitable pain rattled me to the core. It came to a point where I couldn’t even speak.

I never felt the power of emotions up until that moment came. 24 years in this world and i never saw reality the way it should be seen. It is indeed as real as it could get.

Reminding myself of who I was and how I was before seemed like the best I could do. Trying to brush the bitterness under the rug yet at the end of the day, a mountain of it seeps into your system and crawls over you. I cried for days trying to figure out the things that aren happening to me. The damages I’ve accumulated on my own, the pain I’ve probably brought myself, and the problems I reaped for me.

The reality of it, nobody else is responsible for your life except you.

*am i just lonely?*

In times of grief and drama, the people you normally run to wouldn’t always be there. They may be there in spirit but in the end, you run for your life alone. It may sound tragic, emotionally disturbing, pessimistic, sad or at most, lonely. The dreaded word we’ve all been brushing off. Sometimes even trying to forget what the word itself means. But that’s the truth. The reality in between surreal worlds. Lonely.

In many circumstances, life has yet been unfair. I have seen the worst of it but it happens, accepting it is the harder leg of life’s journey.

I try to look back and feel a glimpse of the past in my body. Every emotion ive felt, good or bad. Every memory of people gone and passed. Everything that I thought mattered. Nostalgia at its finest indeed. Yet questions remain. Did I ever try to find meaning in everything I did? Do I try to find meaning in what I do now? Or silly as I may possibly get, did I commit such rebelry without an actual cause?

*on further notions and never ending introductions*

Before you start having glimpses of this chapter of glitches, I must indeed tell you ahead, everything you’re about to read is the reality of my life. It may be a dreamy notion or a vague retrospective of my being in your eyes yet I stand still and open myself to you. Some may call it a diary and others would say it’s a compilation of emotions translated into words. But I tell you now and never again, these are letters I have written.

Letters to myself.