Friday, July 30, 2010

*in the middle of my own desolation*

A glance outside the frames of my entity. Heaven poured tears like tomorrow would never come. Questioning reason for my reasons seemed like an explanation, the coldness of the night engulfing my cradle of security.

Monday, July 26, 2010

*today's ranting = tomorrow's failure*

Tears glisten within the walls of reason. My mind speaks of morbid tragedies and painful endings yet, still hopeful. Questions of a better tomorrow cry within my burrow. Lost and immobilized. Emotions that I reckon, do I have so much of it to let go?

Sunday, July 18, 2010

*between the cities of night and day*

My world fell apart in such way I didn’t imagine. From ground up, core – out, waves splashed all over me leaving me drenched in questions which doesn’t seem to be answered. Hard, the only word I could muster at the moment. Life as it seems no longer exist in me. Living a question of vulnerabilities exude tragedy as much as my being resents itself.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

*misery and its company*

Life as a puzzle. Life as a book. Journeys, stories, pictures of answers to every question you could think of. Cohesive gatherings of thoughts and points. I try to understand my ever so complicated self. Self assesment, re-assurance and seeking security. Few of an undying list to ask myself. From the simplest of, to the extent of what. Indeed misery of itself seeks company of a different form.

I now realize the relevance of not being able to live your life alone on your own. Crazy as it could be, an experience that keeps flashing on my head. A moment in time when I was alone. Relatively and figuratively. Sadness was my misery and loneliness was its company.

*have you ever thought of yourself?*

Days that come and go have taught me reasons for my reasons. That part of yourself that tries to argue with the things you yourself think of. Indeed as hard as it could get. I was never a witness yet I am now a victim. Indeed what they say is true. The hardest battle you’ll have in life is the war you have with yourself.

Trying to find what I thought was missing. Searching for myself in others. Moments of figuring out the personas of my entity I have never met before. That never ending inquisition with myself in regards to who I really am and if this person is the person I want to be.

*a conversation with my mother*

Feeling low and depressed have certainly been a friend to me lately. A certain conversation I had with my mother saught on bringing the truth in wisdoms been told. The emotions I’ve held on to was at the brink of fullness that a simple “how are you” which came from her made my tears ‘a bucket pour like never ending rain. Inevitable pain rattled me to the core. It came to a point where I couldn’t even speak.

I never felt the power of emotions up until that moment came. 24 years in this world and i never saw reality the way it should be seen. It is indeed as real as it could get.

Reminding myself of who I was and how I was before seemed like the best I could do. Trying to brush the bitterness under the rug yet at the end of the day, a mountain of it seeps into your system and crawls over you. I cried for days trying to figure out the things that aren happening to me. The damages I’ve accumulated on my own, the pain I’ve probably brought myself, and the problems I reaped for me.

The reality of it, nobody else is responsible for your life except you.

*am i just lonely?*

In times of grief and drama, the people you normally run to wouldn’t always be there. They may be there in spirit but in the end, you run for your life alone. It may sound tragic, emotionally disturbing, pessimistic, sad or at most, lonely. The dreaded word we’ve all been brushing off. Sometimes even trying to forget what the word itself means. But that’s the truth. The reality in between surreal worlds. Lonely.

In many circumstances, life has yet been unfair. I have seen the worst of it but it happens, accepting it is the harder leg of life’s journey.

I try to look back and feel a glimpse of the past in my body. Every emotion ive felt, good or bad. Every memory of people gone and passed. Everything that I thought mattered. Nostalgia at its finest indeed. Yet questions remain. Did I ever try to find meaning in everything I did? Do I try to find meaning in what I do now? Or silly as I may possibly get, did I commit such rebelry without an actual cause?

*on further notions and never ending introductions*

Before you start having glimpses of this chapter of glitches, I must indeed tell you ahead, everything you’re about to read is the reality of my life. It may be a dreamy notion or a vague retrospective of my being in your eyes yet I stand still and open myself to you. Some may call it a diary and others would say it’s a compilation of emotions translated into words. But I tell you now and never again, these are letters I have written.

Letters to myself.