Sunday, September 5, 2010

*hopeful beginnings*

 
Okay, tragic as it could be. I got my heart broken. But who cares right? I knew how to attach myself to someone, I should also know how to detach myself from him. Angry as I could be, theres no other way but to keep on trying. A day at a time.

I've had my fair share of these heartaches but sadly, I never learn anything from them. I keep falling back to familiar patterns. I keep having the same doubts, insecurities, and trust issues. Its quite odd that I am actually the cause of my own heartaches. The things I do to drive people away, and the paranoia I inflict myself with that ruins everything. Either or, I really am fucked up.

I so want to scream my lungs out right now. Sooo much anger that I told myself to let go of, yet still being the normal crazy person that I am, I keep it to myself and release it slowly. Well, its always bottled up. Up to the brink. Maybe its really time to just let it all out.

I'm so angry that I dont know what happened in between whatever there was. You told me to stop my insecurity with regards to my physical appearance. You told me I looked good yet how come you made me feel uglier than ever? Seriously. You told me im nice and you'd want to keep seeing me. But, where are you now? Am I really just a toy that you'd play with and leave? I am angry. Cause you broke me. I'm like this crazy person who keeps rewinding everything until I figure out what went wrong.

I dont know. I'm clueless. If you told me that I'm just a fuck then it would've been easier for me but you didnt. You showed me hope and you made me feel good. Yes, its just one night but I believed you. I trusted you. I let my guard down that night. I tried. Well, maybe I dont know. It just hurts.

I told myself I should stop obsessing about what happened. I couldnt. This is how I feel. This is how you made me feel. I'm broken. You broke me.

At some point, maybe its a good thing. You made me realize a lot of things. I sold myself short. As always. I dumb myself down, I acted like a simple person with simple wants and simple things. I acted as if I'm the sweetest person there is. I'm not who I really am when I was with you. In fact, I'm nowhere near the person I really am when I was with you. Maybe its my fault or maybe you just didnt give me the chance to show you who I really am.

I may not be fine now. But I'll be better soon, and by that time, you'll never get to know who I really am. Maybe this is all anger, or maybe I dont know. But at this point, I know. I'm worth more than you could ever imagine.

Thank you... for hurting me. Because now, I can stop being the nice person I was pretending to be. Because now, I'm no longer afraid to show who I really am. Its liberation in pain.

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